the midnight walk...

Have you ever been in place where nothing made sense, and nothing seems right, but you feel you are there for a reason? Welcome to my world. Sometimes I feel that I read too much into things, over-analyze I guess you could say. And yet another part of me says, "If you are feeling the discontent, then you know that God is working something in and through you...it's better than being numb..." We read scripture, and we believe the stories of big miracles, big faith, and big stories, and yet we dont believe in Him to work in the same way through us. It's hard, and I'm preaching to the choir here. And it's even harder to give up control of everything to Him. Everything. Every little thing. I have for years sang the songs about surrender, abandonment, and faith, but wanted to hold my reigns. It doesnt work. At all. But through all the confusion, soul-searching, and discontent, something amazing is happening. I cant quite put my finger on exactly what it is, but it is freeing my soul. Maybe the Lord put me in this desert to draw me into a place where He is all I have. Maybe he sent me here to prepare for whatever He has in store for me. Whatever that is.

I took a walk last night...a walk that been WAY overdue. Just me...and God...and alot of critters that I tried to ignore...It was just a great time of communication, of repentace. Just everthing about that 30 minutes seemed ordained from above. The perfect fall night, the smell of burning wood in the air, the stars and moon shining brighter than ever, the wind whipping, the crickets singing. It was an experience that my senses desperately needed to take in. Not that nature was behaving any different than usual, but that I cried, laughed, and talked to God and let Him awaken my soul to enjoy what He created for me to enjoy. It was in this moment that I knew that even though nothing seems right lately, and even though I feel a million miles away from where I should be, God had me there for a reason. If nothing else, to draw me to this place in time to take a walk with Him, and enjoy His presence.

Thoughts today...

Today I had alot on my mind. Without going into too many details, there has been some interesting things going on in my life lately. Between work and personal life, it seems like alot of things lately have been floating around in my head, most of it currently unresolved. I know God is in control, so that gives me some hope when I start to think of every possible thing that could happen, or every circumstance that could alter our lives. The good thing is, God definitely gave me a boost today with an answer to prayer. It wasn't a major request, but one that definitely reaffirmed my faith in Him. Sometimes its the little things that can impact your outlook on life more than the major ones.  As I was driving to work this morning, and, as I just said, alot of things were on my mind, I was searching for something that would focus my mind on something bigger than what worries were on my mind. A quote from a sermon that Clint Pressley preached awhile back popped in my mind, and reminded me how my perspectives were off. He said that when held up to God's power and greatness, our "complicated" situations seem petty. It just reminded me that the problem I am having is that I am looking at situations from my abilities and perspectives. The greater He is, the smaller my problems are. The smaller I become, the more glory He gets. The more glory He recieves, the greater the blessings on my life are. I think alot of times, we underestimate the capability and faithfulness of God to handle every aspect of our lives. It's nothing new, and so many times do we not turn to Him and surrender our problems and worries. It was then that some lyrics to a song that came on my ipod hit me like a ton of bricks. I had heard the song many times before, but this time it was like they shot straight out of the speakers and directly to my heart and soul. They went like this:

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…He loves me...

(David Crowder)

He loves me...and here I am torturing myself with "what-ifs" and worrying about the future. He offers grace and peace, and I intend accept the gift. His love has been given, and redemption has been paid for. He is my God, and He is enough...

freedom...

I have felt freedom, if only for a moment. The absence of the symbol changed me, but somehow did not define me. I was naked, alone. But free. Free from all the weight of the load I brought to this place, yet unprotected by the walls I had built around this dirty flesh. I felt miserable. I felt refreshed. The psychological imbalance of the two somehow satisfied my appetite, and enabled my soul to feel again. It was here that the anotomical divorce was brewing. My heart longed for affinity, my soul, for withdrawal. And they were both right. The polarity of the two needed each other. Then the spherical property of the absent symbol reminded me why this separation had never made logical sense before. The selfish desires of each side had long been in war with each other as to who was the positive force, and who was negative. But since the physical attributes of polar opposites attract each other, the Creator must have made them both positive. They can coexist in one form, but will always be pulling in opposite directions, searching for a negative to counterbalance. My heart and soul may both be searching for its freedom from each other, and I have come to realize that it's ok. I have searched my heart, and it is good. I have searched my soul, and it is good. I have felt freedom, if only for a moment...

random thoughts...

          ok, so i've decided to write about some random things that have been going through my mind the past few days, and just some random info about what has been going on...

          lately, i have been reading some books that are the little out of the norm from my usual reading, and i have really enjoyed them. one especially has been very interesting. its called "a boy should know how to tie a tie"... very interesting book about things that men now do not do or think about, and how they can take better pride in themselves as well as plan for success. from how you value yourself, how you dress, cleanliness, organization, health and diet issues, and so on, it is just a great book that i believe would be great for all young men and boys to read...it really made me thankful for my father, as alot of points in the book that the author alludes to, my father did instill in me...as well as my mother, grandparents, etc... what i figured would be a book of good things to teach tucker, turned out to be a kick in the pants for me to take pride in myself a little more and take better care of my health and body...another book i have been into is called "shop class as soulcraft"...pretty good book about how learning a trade and having general mechanical knowledge is a lost art in america now...speaks about the danger in education being all "head knowledge" without any actual mechanical trades being learned...well written, and pretty clever...ill update this one as i progress with it...

           on the music front, i have been highly impressed with some of my latest purchases...passion's "awakening" cd, while not their best in my opinion, is still pretty good...i also have been loving david phelps "best of" cd...if you have not heard him, you should...in my opinion, the best voice in the business, bar none...his version of nessun dorma is nothing short of a worship experience...chillbumps and teary eyes almost every time...my sister megan also sent me her church's new cd...she goes to elevation church in charlotte...i have heard alot about the church and alot of great things are going on there...i am pretty critical of music, so i really popped it in the cd player to listen through it real quick, and i was shocked!...nothing about it sounded like a cheesy low budget santcuary-recorded album...very well produced, and a great worship experience...i would say their sound is between david crowder and coldplay...(which is not a bad thing, believe me)...and last but not least, my favorite has been dave barnes new album "what we want, what we get"...i cannot stop listening to it...such a great cruising album...sounds somewhere between old school clay crosse soulful, and john mayer bluesy...highly recommend this one...

          ok, random thought tonight: Julie has got to stop watching food network 24-7...here's why...i am currently on atkins to drop some weight, and have been doing really good on it, and haven't "cheated" yet...but if i keep walking past the tv and see all this unbelievably great looking food, i am going to have to go raid the bakery!...no, really, i have lost about 30 lbs so far, and feel much better than i used to, and i give her a hard time about tempting me all the time...the sad thing is, i may just have one of the best cooks i have ever known as my wife, and am not "utilizing her talents" to the fullest...oh well...

         anyways, we are doing great, life is busy, and tucker is growing like a weed, but we are doing our best to slow down and enjoy these moments...he is getting so big, and before you know it, he will be walking around here...we truly are so blessed, as the Lord has provided us with good health, steady jobs, and a safe place to live, which is more than we deserve...
         

back to normal...

Julie and Tucker just got back in safely from their 5 day trip to Charlotte. I am thankful that they got to spend some time with both sides of the family, and especially suprise Rhonda on Grandparents Day at the school...Julie was so excited about being there...despite parking at the bank across the street so Rhonda would not see her truck, and me getting a call from CMPD about seeing if my truck was stolen after searching it and running the tags for a TN plate...it is all so funny now, but things could have gone really wrong. Lets just say, I always carry "protection" in the truck, and it just so happened that the officer that responded was one of my parents good friends, and knew to call my parents house first, and tell them to come move it before it got towed and impounded. It all worked out, but if they had searched it properly, as is protocol, then it could have been a very messy situation for Julie having a concealed weapon in the truck...just another way that the Lord has been looking over us lately...last night i enjoyed my last "free" evening at starbucks reading and journaling...man, i miss hanging out at coffee shops, it just not is always convenient for me to do that alot...(seeing that the nearest starbucks is almost an hour away from our house)...i dont know what i enjoyed more, having time to relax and read, or not having to drink nasty, generic coffee...(sorry folgers, s&d, and maxwell house, but again, you fail)...anyways, life is getting back to normal, and it is great having Julie and Tucker back home...he grew so much in 5 days!...we both got to witness his first "rollover" tonight on the bed...what an awesome moment! He is growing up so fast, and it is just nice to slow down and enjoy those special moments together...I was thinking last night at Starbucks about how I was missing them, and the thought occured to me about what goes through the Lords mind when I do not commune with Him for certain spells, and it really broke my heart. Even though Julie was not with me, we still spoke numerous times a day, and we both yearned to have as much communication with each other as possible (phone, pics, skype, etc...) Yet His spirit is always with me, tugging at my soul, trying to speak to me and offer me grace and peace, and yet I find myself shrugging Him off until a more convenient time. How he must feel, as the Bridgroom who is shunned by His bride, and how it never changes His thoughts about me. His love never wanes, never quivers, never fails. He does not ever second guess me...He just keeps pursuing my heart with more vigor than ever...He believes in me when I dont believe in Him...how can I not give him all the Glory?

bittersweet emotions...

Julie and Tucker took off for Charlotte on Wednesday morning, leaving me the house to myself for a few days...5 days to be exact...it has given me some much needed free time to enjoy some things that i have not got to do in awhile...going golfing this weekend, and last night i went to books-a-million and enjoyed a cup of coffee while browsing through some new reading material...although i am enjoying some extra time, having them away, especially with all our family there, only makes me miss them more...its amazing how a baby changes your perspectives in life...i am so thankful for Tucker, his health, and the incredible opportunity that God has given Julie and I as parents to mold him into who HE wants him to be...Julie has been such a great wife through the entire process as well...I could not even imagine my life without them in it, and I thank God everyday that HE has blessed me with everything HE has given me...because, Lord knows, I dont deserve it...I am reading a daily devotional by David Jeremiah that you pray scriptures everyday, and just wanted to share something that encouraged me today...Sept 17th- "a bruised reed HE will not break and a dimly burning wick HE will not extinguish" (Isaiah 42:3)...I am so thankful for a God that does not ever give up on me when i turn from Him to focus on what I feel is better for me...so many times i feel like a bruised reed that has been damaged by the winds of life, and it would be so easy, (and justfied) for Him to snap me in two, and discard me like an unwanted weed, and yet, by His grace and mercy and love for me, He is always there to nurse my heart back to a loving, healthy relationship with Him...dont we serve an awesome God?

Welcome to the front porch...

...my favorite place in the world. A place where family and friends are always welcome anytime. Stories will be told, pictures will be shared, and memories will be made. Most of all, its a place, that no matter how many miles are between us, will make us feel together again...