the midnight walk...

Have you ever been in place where nothing made sense, and nothing seems right, but you feel you are there for a reason? Welcome to my world. Sometimes I feel that I read too much into things, over-analyze I guess you could say. And yet another part of me says, "If you are feeling the discontent, then you know that God is working something in and through you...it's better than being numb..." We read scripture, and we believe the stories of big miracles, big faith, and big stories, and yet we dont believe in Him to work in the same way through us. It's hard, and I'm preaching to the choir here. And it's even harder to give up control of everything to Him. Everything. Every little thing. I have for years sang the songs about surrender, abandonment, and faith, but wanted to hold my reigns. It doesnt work. At all. But through all the confusion, soul-searching, and discontent, something amazing is happening. I cant quite put my finger on exactly what it is, but it is freeing my soul. Maybe the Lord put me in this desert to draw me into a place where He is all I have. Maybe he sent me here to prepare for whatever He has in store for me. Whatever that is.

I took a walk last night...a walk that been WAY overdue. Just me...and God...and alot of critters that I tried to ignore...It was just a great time of communication, of repentace. Just everthing about that 30 minutes seemed ordained from above. The perfect fall night, the smell of burning wood in the air, the stars and moon shining brighter than ever, the wind whipping, the crickets singing. It was an experience that my senses desperately needed to take in. Not that nature was behaving any different than usual, but that I cried, laughed, and talked to God and let Him awaken my soul to enjoy what He created for me to enjoy. It was in this moment that I knew that even though nothing seems right lately, and even though I feel a million miles away from where I should be, God had me there for a reason. If nothing else, to draw me to this place in time to take a walk with Him, and enjoy His presence.

Thoughts today...

Today I had alot on my mind. Without going into too many details, there has been some interesting things going on in my life lately. Between work and personal life, it seems like alot of things lately have been floating around in my head, most of it currently unresolved. I know God is in control, so that gives me some hope when I start to think of every possible thing that could happen, or every circumstance that could alter our lives. The good thing is, God definitely gave me a boost today with an answer to prayer. It wasn't a major request, but one that definitely reaffirmed my faith in Him. Sometimes its the little things that can impact your outlook on life more than the major ones.  As I was driving to work this morning, and, as I just said, alot of things were on my mind, I was searching for something that would focus my mind on something bigger than what worries were on my mind. A quote from a sermon that Clint Pressley preached awhile back popped in my mind, and reminded me how my perspectives were off. He said that when held up to God's power and greatness, our "complicated" situations seem petty. It just reminded me that the problem I am having is that I am looking at situations from my abilities and perspectives. The greater He is, the smaller my problems are. The smaller I become, the more glory He gets. The more glory He recieves, the greater the blessings on my life are. I think alot of times, we underestimate the capability and faithfulness of God to handle every aspect of our lives. It's nothing new, and so many times do we not turn to Him and surrender our problems and worries. It was then that some lyrics to a song that came on my ipod hit me like a ton of bricks. I had heard the song many times before, but this time it was like they shot straight out of the speakers and directly to my heart and soul. They went like this:

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…He loves me...

(David Crowder)

He loves me...and here I am torturing myself with "what-ifs" and worrying about the future. He offers grace and peace, and I intend accept the gift. His love has been given, and redemption has been paid for. He is my God, and He is enough...