I sit here writing this right now from the atrium at Amelies Bakery in NoDa. I'll be honest, it was a rough day for me personally, and after a long time of prayer and reflection on the way home, a little time spent with my family, a hard workout at the gym, and a long conversation with my freind Zack, I came up here to reflect, read, write, and recharge myself (with help from a large espresso roast French press I might add...) As I sit here, observing the people around me, I can't help but notice that the creative juices have been completely wiped out tonight, and I am wrestling with some things. I feel compelled to share the gospel, and connect with others. It is not something that comes natural for me, but it is something that, as a follower of Christ, and a recipient of unmerited grace, I am called to do. My heart is racing right now as I think about what God has been orchestrating in my life, as well as those around me, to bring me to this exact place in time, for His sake. I would ask that as you read this, you not only pray for my boldness and obedience to the great commision, but that the conversations that I have in the next few minutes/hours would be fruitful and Christ-centered. Pray for the seed of the gospel to penetrate broken, hurting lives and reconcile, by His merit, sinful souls to the holiness of the Father. He must increase, I must decrease...
-Trey
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
A renewed vision...
Where do I even start with this one? It has been very long since my last post, and a lot has changed in my life. Looking back, I haven't posted anything since before we had our second boy, Mack. What a blessing, (and lifestyle change) he has been! Everyone said that having multiple children changes everything, and were they ever right. We have moved houses (again), and Julie has a new job. You don't realize just how much your life has changed, and how God has brought you through so many circumstances, until you stop, look back, and reflect on just where you are...It's funny how you worry about change, and through the good and the bad, you just "live life" and God works out all the details without you even realizing what is happening. Being a father to two little boys has been incredible. The joy that they bring to both my life, and Julie's is overwhelming. God has truly blessed us beyond measure with their presence, health, and laughter. It is hard to even remember what it was like with just one, much less without both of them. (I vaguely recall more money and more free time...) Julie has been such an incredible mother, friend, and champion in our household through everything. I truly don't know how she has the strength and will to do all she does most days, and she has such an amazing spirit through the good, as well as the challenging times. I thank God every day that He brought her into my life, and that through His providence, He has made us one in Him.
As for me, recently God has been challenging me in ways like never before. Through a lot of the changes I listed previously, as well as some other external factors, I hate to say, but I (some necessarily) had buried many of my passions, desires, and cast visions. Although just a season, it was still difficult to go through. Music, worship, artistic outlets, service to the church and community, discipleship, etc... they all were put on the back burner of priorities in my life. I think in the name of being responsible, I abandoned my First Love. I still struggle with what a healthy balance looks like between my professional career, personal life, family relationships, and marriage, but recently, I have given everything, including the "plan" I had mentally for my life, a re-evaluation, and have re-examined everything in light of the gospel, and how it hold up to the authority of scripture. What I have found is that it is both the scariest, and most freeing action you can take. As the leader of my household, I want nothing more than stability and comfort for my family, but as a child of God, I know that the pressure and weight I was putting on myself, and my vision for our family, while seemingly healthy, was not the radical faith-based vision that God has for us. A tough pill to swallow, but how awesome our God! I am currently in the middle of vision casting, praying, and sorting through God's will for my life, as well as my family's. I would covet your prayers during this time, as I seek God's direction for me.
On a side note, Julie and I have really focused on our health, lifestyle, and eating habits, and by support from family, friends, discipline, and encouraging each other, we have made the first steps in getting ourselves back healthy for both ourselves and our children, but also to glorify God in everything we do. We feel better than we have in a long time, and as we continue our journey, we ask for prayers and support as well. (just don't send brownies...)
God has burdened my heart with so many things, and many more topics, and I plan to blog on a more frequent basis, as to keep everyone up to date with what God is doing in my life, and in the everyday life of my family. We love each and every one of you, and look forward to what God has in store for us...
-Trey
As for me, recently God has been challenging me in ways like never before. Through a lot of the changes I listed previously, as well as some other external factors, I hate to say, but I (some necessarily) had buried many of my passions, desires, and cast visions. Although just a season, it was still difficult to go through. Music, worship, artistic outlets, service to the church and community, discipleship, etc... they all were put on the back burner of priorities in my life. I think in the name of being responsible, I abandoned my First Love. I still struggle with what a healthy balance looks like between my professional career, personal life, family relationships, and marriage, but recently, I have given everything, including the "plan" I had mentally for my life, a re-evaluation, and have re-examined everything in light of the gospel, and how it hold up to the authority of scripture. What I have found is that it is both the scariest, and most freeing action you can take. As the leader of my household, I want nothing more than stability and comfort for my family, but as a child of God, I know that the pressure and weight I was putting on myself, and my vision for our family, while seemingly healthy, was not the radical faith-based vision that God has for us. A tough pill to swallow, but how awesome our God! I am currently in the middle of vision casting, praying, and sorting through God's will for my life, as well as my family's. I would covet your prayers during this time, as I seek God's direction for me.
On a side note, Julie and I have really focused on our health, lifestyle, and eating habits, and by support from family, friends, discipline, and encouraging each other, we have made the first steps in getting ourselves back healthy for both ourselves and our children, but also to glorify God in everything we do. We feel better than we have in a long time, and as we continue our journey, we ask for prayers and support as well. (just don't send brownies...)
God has burdened my heart with so many things, and many more topics, and I plan to blog on a more frequent basis, as to keep everyone up to date with what God is doing in my life, and in the everyday life of my family. We love each and every one of you, and look forward to what God has in store for us...
-Trey
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Ivory and space...
Tonight I was at Jacksons Java, reading, writing a little, and catching up with some friends. Once every week or so, I try to catch a night like this and get away from the routine, and have some quality time to myself to stop and reflect on what God is doing in my life, and how ultimately I can see His glory in it all. I really went alone, like I said, to have some reflection time, but ended up talking to the college women's bible study that happened to be there. It encouraged me so much to see faithful, Godly girls, pausing their busy schedules, and diving into God's word, exploring the attributes of God. (A table full of girls studying Piper...guys, you better step up your game, just saying!...) Also, my brother and two of his friends came by and I really enjoyed catching up with them as well...
After everyone left, I had a little time to myself to just sit back and enjoy the coffee, and some good music. Most of the night, it was an eclectic blend of world music, some jazz fusion, and indie-type singer songwriter stuff playing in the background, but I caught myself really interested in this one particular piano driven slow jazz song. What caught me was the melody. Not your typical chord-run based jazz, or even standard romantic slow number, this one was so different because of the simplistic melody it presented. Nothing showy, and not blended with your typical complex backing, this seemed intentionally simple to listen to. But it wasn't the song that I caught myself thinking about, it was my reaction. Even though I was trying to enjoy the simple melodic presentation of the song, I found myself tapping my feet, trying to find a rhythm, a beat, or any type of syncopated structure that I could frame this in. But I couldn't. I found myself subconsciously trying to put this song within framework that it was never intended to go in.
What hit me was what God was showing me through this seemingly trivial experience. Sometimes His plan, his melody for our lives, is so simple, so pure, that we find ourselves trying to frame it within the confines of our busy, scheduled, routine life that we have, and it doesn't work. Sometimes we try to understand His sovereignty in ways it was never meant to be understood in. God does not work within our concept of time. He is timeless. He does not move through the lens of our comprehension, He is omniscient. He is God, and who are we to question His ways...
While we are looking for our beat, we are missing His melody...
What a humbling thought, and I had to stop and write these few lines in worshipful response to what He was teaching me:
Such a simple melody
Ivory and space
We force the hand of rhythm
And change the nature of this place
Free from the chains of tempo
And syncopated time
My soul will find contentment
In melody and rhyme
Upon these pillars sanctified
By expression's humble cry
Of worship so harmonious
All vain glories cannot vie
He is God, and who are we to question His ways...
Job 38...Selah
-Trey
After everyone left, I had a little time to myself to just sit back and enjoy the coffee, and some good music. Most of the night, it was an eclectic blend of world music, some jazz fusion, and indie-type singer songwriter stuff playing in the background, but I caught myself really interested in this one particular piano driven slow jazz song. What caught me was the melody. Not your typical chord-run based jazz, or even standard romantic slow number, this one was so different because of the simplistic melody it presented. Nothing showy, and not blended with your typical complex backing, this seemed intentionally simple to listen to. But it wasn't the song that I caught myself thinking about, it was my reaction. Even though I was trying to enjoy the simple melodic presentation of the song, I found myself tapping my feet, trying to find a rhythm, a beat, or any type of syncopated structure that I could frame this in. But I couldn't. I found myself subconsciously trying to put this song within framework that it was never intended to go in.
What hit me was what God was showing me through this seemingly trivial experience. Sometimes His plan, his melody for our lives, is so simple, so pure, that we find ourselves trying to frame it within the confines of our busy, scheduled, routine life that we have, and it doesn't work. Sometimes we try to understand His sovereignty in ways it was never meant to be understood in. God does not work within our concept of time. He is timeless. He does not move through the lens of our comprehension, He is omniscient. He is God, and who are we to question His ways...
While we are looking for our beat, we are missing His melody...
What a humbling thought, and I had to stop and write these few lines in worshipful response to what He was teaching me:
Such a simple melody
Ivory and space
We force the hand of rhythm
And change the nature of this place
Free from the chains of tempo
And syncopated time
My soul will find contentment
In melody and rhyme
Upon these pillars sanctified
By expression's humble cry
Of worship so harmonious
All vain glories cannot vie
He is God, and who are we to question His ways...
Job 38...Selah
-Trey
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Reflections on a home...
Warped by years of living,
A testament to will
Shaped by love, yet cracks abound
And hope it offers still
A sentimental journey
Of mortar, rock, and tree
Generations of identity
Have molded what makes me
Humble in its nature
Abounding not in space or size
Character and necessity,
Not pretension, is its prize
Surrounded by aging glory
The elders of the land
Like patriarchs they stand esteemed
These oaks time will withstand
All the golden times of joy
Like pictures on the wall
Has all been framed by this old house
When memory comes to call
But like an empty canvass
This old square structure stands
To capture strokes of future love
From grace's steady hands
Trey Long 10/2/2012
A testament to will
Shaped by love, yet cracks abound
And hope it offers still
A sentimental journey
Of mortar, rock, and tree
Generations of identity
Have molded what makes me
Humble in its nature
Abounding not in space or size
Character and necessity,
Not pretension, is its prize
Surrounded by aging glory
The elders of the land
Like patriarchs they stand esteemed
These oaks time will withstand
All the golden times of joy
Like pictures on the wall
Has all been framed by this old house
When memory comes to call
But like an empty canvass
This old square structure stands
To capture strokes of future love
From grace's steady hands
Trey Long 10/2/2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
faithful...
Let me begin by saying how blessed we are. Julie and I cannot express or convey just how good that God has been to us lately. From the everyday things to the extraordinary events surrounding us, let me say that the Lord has answered our prayers and has drawn closer to us than ever before. One of the biggest areas He has been faithful to us is in our child. Tucker is such a wonderful kid, and we have been given the incredible opportunity to be his parents, and feel blessed to be given the responsibility to instruct and teach him in the ways of Him. Having a first child is such and incredible, humbling, but scary experience. No, we have not been perfect, but every time we needed help, guidance, or anything else in dealing with this huge responsibility, God has shown us, through His Word, through wisdom of others, and through help and guidance of family and friends, that He is sufficient, and He will provide for us everything we need. Every time I see that huge smile, hear his contagious laugh, or see him learning, growing, and experiencing new things, the Lord is revealing Himself, and teaching Julie and I lessons that show His sovereignty and His character. Its amazing how such simple things from a 2 year old can reveal truths so rich in hope and faithfulness. Tucker has been such a blessing, and I continually pray for his continued health, growth, and that the Spirit starts working in His heart for the acceptance of the seed of the Gospel.
God has been faithful to us in several other areas as well. I first have to say that the way He has provided for us financially has been nothing short of amazing. From the blessing of steady income, and careers that have supported our short and long term goals, we are learning not to take anything for granted. He has been faithful in that through 6 years of marriage, two states, several moves, and on and on, God has always proved Himself reliable and a rock in whom we can go to to provide for us. Whether it be from steady paychecks, to unwarranted and unpredictable checks provided to us at just the right time, He has proven faithful, and Has shown us that you cannot out give, out bless, or out provide Him. Glory to Him! Now saying this, I admit that all the times we have not remained faithful to the will and direction of Him financially. What I will say is that at the end of the day, when I thought there was no way out, when all options had been exhausted, and I wasn't sure how everything would turn out, He came through. Funny looking back, but most of the time NOT AT ALL how I thought it would happen, but nonetheless, He proved faithful. He has shown us recently some areas where we have not been honoring Him as we should, and thought it has not always been easy or convenient, and I still don't know how everything will pan out, even at this very moment, wow has the hope of Christ been the most amazing thing. I will say this, to preach a quick sermon: give it all to Him. Not just what is overwhelming you. The things you are falling back on as a safety net and comfort are those things that You are replacing Him with. This has been very near to my heart today. God wants it all, not just part. You cannot live out the gospel and be on the verge of collapse financially. You cannot be living by the Spirit and be addicted to things that oppose His heart. I wept at the thought of Revelation 3:16 and the thought of appearing before my Savior, who had given up His majesty and splendor to redeem me, and being considered lukewarm before Him. I could not continue to appear confident and worthy of leadership in one area of my life, while being unfaithful and not what the Lord has called me to be in another. I had to be all in. And as I said earlier, He is still purifying me, as I am by no means perfect and complete. But He has been faithful through the process, being my strength when I was being tested, my hope when there looked like there wasn't any, and my sufficiency, when I felt inadequate in my calling as His child, as a husband, and as a father myself. I wish I could go into details on just how He has, and continues to provide this, and maybe when God has brought us through on the other side of this journey, He will allow me specify all of the details, blessings, and trials He used to get me and my family where He wanted us to be.
Another way He has provided faithful to me is a little more personal. And that has been in the incredible soul mate that He has provided me in Julie. What an incredible woman of God, a supportive wife, and a loving mother she is. Thinking back on our journey together, it's funny to realize just how big a development your relationship has been. How you thought you knew everything about a person when you marry them. What has been so great is to go through those tough times together, those times where it seems they are all you have, (and sometimes not), and to see the strengthening and bonding that happens as a result. I know, comparatively speaking, that we are still fairly young in our marriage, and although we have a lifetime ahead of us, God willing, the support she gives me as a husband has been the rock I have needed to get through sometimes. The love she has demonstrated in the creation, development and nurturing of Tucker, as well as baby #2 on the way, has reflected and shown me the love I needed to experience when I needed it. The sacrifices she has made as an individual to better the life of our family as a whole speaks volumes about the heart that she has for her God and family. Just tonight, her selfless attitude spoke to me in a way that conveyed the peace and comfort of Christ into the deepest part of my soul. She is truly my soul mate, and cannot fathom going on this journey without her by my side...
I just wanted to put into words tonight just how faithful my God has been. Through the good times, the bad times, the times I have not deserved to experience, and the ones that I have brought on myself, He has never failed me...never. He still is refining me, and is refining you. He loves us, and wants the best for us. We just have to give Him our all...
-Trey
God has been faithful to us in several other areas as well. I first have to say that the way He has provided for us financially has been nothing short of amazing. From the blessing of steady income, and careers that have supported our short and long term goals, we are learning not to take anything for granted. He has been faithful in that through 6 years of marriage, two states, several moves, and on and on, God has always proved Himself reliable and a rock in whom we can go to to provide for us. Whether it be from steady paychecks, to unwarranted and unpredictable checks provided to us at just the right time, He has proven faithful, and Has shown us that you cannot out give, out bless, or out provide Him. Glory to Him! Now saying this, I admit that all the times we have not remained faithful to the will and direction of Him financially. What I will say is that at the end of the day, when I thought there was no way out, when all options had been exhausted, and I wasn't sure how everything would turn out, He came through. Funny looking back, but most of the time NOT AT ALL how I thought it would happen, but nonetheless, He proved faithful. He has shown us recently some areas where we have not been honoring Him as we should, and thought it has not always been easy or convenient, and I still don't know how everything will pan out, even at this very moment, wow has the hope of Christ been the most amazing thing. I will say this, to preach a quick sermon: give it all to Him. Not just what is overwhelming you. The things you are falling back on as a safety net and comfort are those things that You are replacing Him with. This has been very near to my heart today. God wants it all, not just part. You cannot live out the gospel and be on the verge of collapse financially. You cannot be living by the Spirit and be addicted to things that oppose His heart. I wept at the thought of Revelation 3:16 and the thought of appearing before my Savior, who had given up His majesty and splendor to redeem me, and being considered lukewarm before Him. I could not continue to appear confident and worthy of leadership in one area of my life, while being unfaithful and not what the Lord has called me to be in another. I had to be all in. And as I said earlier, He is still purifying me, as I am by no means perfect and complete. But He has been faithful through the process, being my strength when I was being tested, my hope when there looked like there wasn't any, and my sufficiency, when I felt inadequate in my calling as His child, as a husband, and as a father myself. I wish I could go into details on just how He has, and continues to provide this, and maybe when God has brought us through on the other side of this journey, He will allow me specify all of the details, blessings, and trials He used to get me and my family where He wanted us to be.
Another way He has provided faithful to me is a little more personal. And that has been in the incredible soul mate that He has provided me in Julie. What an incredible woman of God, a supportive wife, and a loving mother she is. Thinking back on our journey together, it's funny to realize just how big a development your relationship has been. How you thought you knew everything about a person when you marry them. What has been so great is to go through those tough times together, those times where it seems they are all you have, (and sometimes not), and to see the strengthening and bonding that happens as a result. I know, comparatively speaking, that we are still fairly young in our marriage, and although we have a lifetime ahead of us, God willing, the support she gives me as a husband has been the rock I have needed to get through sometimes. The love she has demonstrated in the creation, development and nurturing of Tucker, as well as baby #2 on the way, has reflected and shown me the love I needed to experience when I needed it. The sacrifices she has made as an individual to better the life of our family as a whole speaks volumes about the heart that she has for her God and family. Just tonight, her selfless attitude spoke to me in a way that conveyed the peace and comfort of Christ into the deepest part of my soul. She is truly my soul mate, and cannot fathom going on this journey without her by my side...
I just wanted to put into words tonight just how faithful my God has been. Through the good times, the bad times, the times I have not deserved to experience, and the ones that I have brought on myself, He has never failed me...never. He still is refining me, and is refining you. He loves us, and wants the best for us. We just have to give Him our all...
-Trey
Monday, August 13, 2012
reflections on sovereignty...
**Your love draws close, yet closer still
And satisfies my due
The void that marred my wounded soul
Is filled with all of You... **
You are Lord of all I have and Lord of all I don’t have
You are Lord of all that is, has been, and ever will be
You are Lord of things not seen, and emotions not yet felt
You are Lord of all
You are Lord when I praise you
You are Lord when I feel so far away
You are Lord when my life's circumstances seem good
You are Lord even when I think You are not there
You are Lord when nothing makes sense
You are Lord when Your ways don’t make sense
You are Lord when my senses fail me
You are Lord, You are Lord of all
You satisfy me
You heal me
You know me, and not just on the surface
You really know me, and have chosen me
Really?
You are Lord of my heart, and Lord of my thoughts
Even when my will distorts them
You are Lord over them
And I am still Your child...
(Not because I had anything to do with it
But because You are Lord)
Really.
My Father, My Friend. Lord of all...the Sovereign King...
Thursday, August 2, 2012
My heartcry
This is the blog I've written a thousand times, and never published. It may turn out to be the most personal thing I have ever written. It is both off the cuff and engraved into to very soul of who I am. It is my heartcry.
Let me start out by saying that I am not who you think I am. Neither are you. I know what you may be thinking...and no, this is not a tell-all obituary-type confessional. I am not perfect, as nobody ever is, but like everyone else, I sure do know how to put up facades to mask my imperfections. Imperfections that mirror the very essence of what I am: a sinner. I tend to be strong-willed, very stubborn, and very cocky sometimes. I love being passionate. This has gotten me into more trouble than it has helped me, sorry to say. It may be trying to mimic people, it may be trying to exude the spirit of a leader, and so on... The truth is, most of the time I am a very insecure person. Most people are, I think. We all have our areas where we don't want anyone to shine a light on. We have those issues, those memories, those insecurities that haunt us daily, weekly, and some for our entire lives. My goal in writing all this is not to glorify myself, or to have pity on any issues, but to create a living, breathing medium to where people that read this can relate to. To possibly offer a bit of hope and encouragement to someone who may read this. This is not just for me, it's for you...
"I don't have a clue, but I know who does..."
Well, that pretty much sums up my life... I have a great education, a loving family, great college years, a solid christian upbringing, no arrest record, and a good job. I have a beautiful wife, a wonderful son, one boy on the way, reliable (sometimes) transportation, a great house, and seem to have things pretty much in order. But I don't. Truth is, I still go to bed scared to death of what tomorrow may bring. Prayer and scripture help to bring this back into focus, but if we are honest, and human, we all go through times like this. I have regrets... Regrets of wasting so many years only to find myself seemingly wandering through the same circumstances over and over again. I worry that some of my dreams, because of timing, life events, and just situations in general, may not ever come to fruition. I get scared of living day to day without ever seeming to move forward, or have anything on the horizon that I can call a victory or goal. I worry about failing as a husband and a father. My decisions now at this point in my life affect a lot more people than just me. All it takes is one stupid decision these days, one moment of weakness, and I, like every man, could fall. I pray everyday for God's protection and guidance in my decisions. I sometimes wonder if I will look back on this time of my life and regret anything, and wish I had done things different. I am positive everyone does, but to what extent? I know I'm not alone on these things. But I put up walls, a facade like I said earlier, to try to appear that I have it all together, but I don't. My faith, my trust, my hope is in my Savior, who calls me His child, and gives me the strength to daily combat these earthly foes when they arise.
"My faith waivers, but my God does not..."
Man I love twitter. 140 characters to display exactly what you want your followers to know about you, what you are doing, or what you think and/or believe about things. I admit, I am a bit of a social media addict, and I am guilty of using mediums such as facebook and twitter to get across huge ideas to make it sound like I have religion figured out. Truth is, I don't. Daily I wrestle with God. I wrestle with my faith, with what I believe, with how to handle situations. I will be the first to admit, that I have screwed up a lot in this arena. I have been over-zealous and under-loving in situations. I have also compromised in the name of love and sacrificed moral integrity. This will always be a struggle, and one I believe all of us will have until the grave. No amount of theological expository will satisfy you when you are all alone crying out to God, begging Him to draw close and reveal Himself to you. No amount of musical environment can replace the worship of the heart in tune with the true and living God. What I am saying is that spiritually, I know I'm a work in progress, but thankfully God loved me enough to adopt me as His own, and like a child, immature and needing discipline, I know there will be times I will struggle to reflect His glory as He sees fit. The Psalms are so comforting to me in this regard. The life and prayers of David, a man after God's heart, serve to show us that even those close to the heart of God cry out, week and wavering, begging God not to abandon their lives. I tend to be a pretty emotional guy, and truth be told, there are many times, mostly in the car, in traffic nonetheless, when all I can do is cry out, asking God where in the world He is. Needing Him to come rescue me. Begging Him to draw closer than a brother. My spirit is crushed everyday, but I rest in the hope that my God never lets me go.
"I feel inadequate, but my adequacy does not come from me..."
Wow this opens up some things in my heart and mind that strikes some nerves. Most of my life I have been fortunate to be at least respectable in all things I do, except gymnastics and cooking, which are not my spiritual gifts... I have always considered myself of of those "jack of all trades, master of none" type of guys. Good in sports, but not great. Good in school, but not scholarly. Good in music, but not professional. I can float through life being ok in whatever I am into. But there came a point recently in my life when I really did (and still do) some soul searching, looking for that one thing that God has called me to do. That passionate burning desire to accomplish something so great, or to set off on the journey that my life was intended to be on. I thought it may have been something with my career and job, maybe something within the church, maybe in my dealing with family. I still desire to find what God is calling me to do. I must admit though that in pursuit of my life's meaning, the inadequacies and shortcomings of my life, and possibly yours if you are honest, pop up. I think alot to my education and not finishing college, and how that time in my life may have impacted who I am today. I think about my weight, and my personal, never ending struggles with it, my appearance, and how I present and carry myself, and wonder how that affects opportunities I may have/not have gotten because of it. I think of my desire to be called into full time ministry, or work within the church/music/creative departments, and knowing that God has not called me there, yet/if ever, and how that desire burns inside of me. I think of all the times I have been someone I am not in order to feel wanted/needed/used, knowing that I was fake. It's not a good place to be. All these issues, if not given to the Lord, can eat a mans soul alive. But recently God has started me on a journey, one that begins with Him, and never ends. One that has it's origins not in my inadequacy, but the adequacy that comes from the gospel of Christ. He is showing me love, mercy, grace, forgiveness, compassion. He is more than enough for me...that is my heartcry
I love you all... -Trey
Let me start out by saying that I am not who you think I am. Neither are you. I know what you may be thinking...and no, this is not a tell-all obituary-type confessional. I am not perfect, as nobody ever is, but like everyone else, I sure do know how to put up facades to mask my imperfections. Imperfections that mirror the very essence of what I am: a sinner. I tend to be strong-willed, very stubborn, and very cocky sometimes. I love being passionate. This has gotten me into more trouble than it has helped me, sorry to say. It may be trying to mimic people, it may be trying to exude the spirit of a leader, and so on... The truth is, most of the time I am a very insecure person. Most people are, I think. We all have our areas where we don't want anyone to shine a light on. We have those issues, those memories, those insecurities that haunt us daily, weekly, and some for our entire lives. My goal in writing all this is not to glorify myself, or to have pity on any issues, but to create a living, breathing medium to where people that read this can relate to. To possibly offer a bit of hope and encouragement to someone who may read this. This is not just for me, it's for you...
"I don't have a clue, but I know who does..."
Well, that pretty much sums up my life... I have a great education, a loving family, great college years, a solid christian upbringing, no arrest record, and a good job. I have a beautiful wife, a wonderful son, one boy on the way, reliable (sometimes) transportation, a great house, and seem to have things pretty much in order. But I don't. Truth is, I still go to bed scared to death of what tomorrow may bring. Prayer and scripture help to bring this back into focus, but if we are honest, and human, we all go through times like this. I have regrets... Regrets of wasting so many years only to find myself seemingly wandering through the same circumstances over and over again. I worry that some of my dreams, because of timing, life events, and just situations in general, may not ever come to fruition. I get scared of living day to day without ever seeming to move forward, or have anything on the horizon that I can call a victory or goal. I worry about failing as a husband and a father. My decisions now at this point in my life affect a lot more people than just me. All it takes is one stupid decision these days, one moment of weakness, and I, like every man, could fall. I pray everyday for God's protection and guidance in my decisions. I sometimes wonder if I will look back on this time of my life and regret anything, and wish I had done things different. I am positive everyone does, but to what extent? I know I'm not alone on these things. But I put up walls, a facade like I said earlier, to try to appear that I have it all together, but I don't. My faith, my trust, my hope is in my Savior, who calls me His child, and gives me the strength to daily combat these earthly foes when they arise.
"My faith waivers, but my God does not..."
Man I love twitter. 140 characters to display exactly what you want your followers to know about you, what you are doing, or what you think and/or believe about things. I admit, I am a bit of a social media addict, and I am guilty of using mediums such as facebook and twitter to get across huge ideas to make it sound like I have religion figured out. Truth is, I don't. Daily I wrestle with God. I wrestle with my faith, with what I believe, with how to handle situations. I will be the first to admit, that I have screwed up a lot in this arena. I have been over-zealous and under-loving in situations. I have also compromised in the name of love and sacrificed moral integrity. This will always be a struggle, and one I believe all of us will have until the grave. No amount of theological expository will satisfy you when you are all alone crying out to God, begging Him to draw close and reveal Himself to you. No amount of musical environment can replace the worship of the heart in tune with the true and living God. What I am saying is that spiritually, I know I'm a work in progress, but thankfully God loved me enough to adopt me as His own, and like a child, immature and needing discipline, I know there will be times I will struggle to reflect His glory as He sees fit. The Psalms are so comforting to me in this regard. The life and prayers of David, a man after God's heart, serve to show us that even those close to the heart of God cry out, week and wavering, begging God not to abandon their lives. I tend to be a pretty emotional guy, and truth be told, there are many times, mostly in the car, in traffic nonetheless, when all I can do is cry out, asking God where in the world He is. Needing Him to come rescue me. Begging Him to draw closer than a brother. My spirit is crushed everyday, but I rest in the hope that my God never lets me go.
"I feel inadequate, but my adequacy does not come from me..."
Wow this opens up some things in my heart and mind that strikes some nerves. Most of my life I have been fortunate to be at least respectable in all things I do, except gymnastics and cooking, which are not my spiritual gifts... I have always considered myself of of those "jack of all trades, master of none" type of guys. Good in sports, but not great. Good in school, but not scholarly. Good in music, but not professional. I can float through life being ok in whatever I am into. But there came a point recently in my life when I really did (and still do) some soul searching, looking for that one thing that God has called me to do. That passionate burning desire to accomplish something so great, or to set off on the journey that my life was intended to be on. I thought it may have been something with my career and job, maybe something within the church, maybe in my dealing with family. I still desire to find what God is calling me to do. I must admit though that in pursuit of my life's meaning, the inadequacies and shortcomings of my life, and possibly yours if you are honest, pop up. I think alot to my education and not finishing college, and how that time in my life may have impacted who I am today. I think about my weight, and my personal, never ending struggles with it, my appearance, and how I present and carry myself, and wonder how that affects opportunities I may have/not have gotten because of it. I think of my desire to be called into full time ministry, or work within the church/music/creative departments, and knowing that God has not called me there, yet/if ever, and how that desire burns inside of me. I think of all the times I have been someone I am not in order to feel wanted/needed/used, knowing that I was fake. It's not a good place to be. All these issues, if not given to the Lord, can eat a mans soul alive. But recently God has started me on a journey, one that begins with Him, and never ends. One that has it's origins not in my inadequacy, but the adequacy that comes from the gospel of Christ. He is showing me love, mercy, grace, forgiveness, compassion. He is more than enough for me...that is my heartcry
I love you all... -Trey
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