Sometimes life is so hectic that when moments of silent reflection come, those moments hit you like a ton of bricks. We forget that we are programmed to get away from it all and reflect on things from time to time. Meditating, reflecting, whatever you want to call it, hurts sometimes. I am not saying it is all bad things, but that it is sometimes a very personal, painful reminder of the humanity and fragility of our situations. I think that is why we stay so busy, so preoccupied with activity, so that we will not be haunted by the voices of our shortcomings as they can be usually drowned out by life and leisure.
Tonight I was sitting on my couch, with my entire family sound asleep, and just had some music in the background. (Ok, so this is pretty much every night of my life) I usually take this time to read, to write music, or browse social media, but tonight, I just took some time to stop and meditate on life, and where I am on my journey. Career, finances, family, calendar events, social responsibilities, personal struggles, reflections on scripture, regrets, everything was on the table. Things I said to my boys today, how I handled my tone in disciplining them, how I treated and if I brought honor and respect to my wife, how I conducted myself at work, how I honored (or didn't honor) Christ with how I handled my money, how I budgeted my time, how I conducted myself in those times when no one but God sees what I do, what I am doing to establish and cultivate a cultural/spiritual/family heritage to pass along to my children and hopefully their children down the road, and so on... To be honest, I really don't know what to do with this much information all at once. How in the world am I really supposed to even kid myself about worrying about mutual fund growth, and navigating the financial landscape for my family when I cannot even navigate around my living room without having to avoid land mines of die-cast cars? How are Daddys supposed to instill values character and have all the right answers for two little boys that look up to him when Daddy is just as unsure as they are? Sure I know most of the words to say, know how to handle myself in most situations, but the reality of life is, (I'm finding out) is that everyone is just as dependent on grace and mercy as anyone else, no matter where they are in life or spiritual journey. Humility in regard to my spiritual leadership, as Matthew 18:2-4 reflects, must be modeled in my life with humility. I am learning to treat every new day with the same fresh child-like humility when it comes to my need of His grace and mercy in my life.
This being said I still am scared to death of screwing up. I stay up many nights thinking of my life, and how one little slip, one mistake would devastate my life, and impact the life of my family. I am to much of a realist, and not naive to think that I am above anything. One look, one bad decision could ruin my marriage. One decision, one moment of indiscretion could cost me my job. One act of carelessness could impact the lives of my wife, my children or complete strangers. I think this has been a reason, in the past, that I have typically been afraid of church leadership, of commitment, of radical faith. I know myself, how bad of an addictive personality I have a tendency to lean on, and I still struggle with these things to this very day. Not just for me, but for the reputation of my family as well, I still struggle with the thought of screwing up so badly that a lifetime of hurt and consequences follow. I know this may not be the best way to approach his story, but because of all this, I love to read the story of Peter. Bold, boisterous, headstrong, a born leader. And also the biggest failure when the first true test of faith and loyalty came. Peter, the rock that Christ built his church upon, and how Christ reconciled him, his story is just so encouraging to me when I get overwhelmed with the many responsibilities I have as a father, husband, manager, and child on God, and how no matter what comes in life, what decisions you make, and what regrets you have, His forgiveness will always be more than enough to reconcile you back to Him. This does not guarantee a lifetime of success or holiness, but it does provide hope to me knowing how desperate I am for His guidance and help.
This is just but some of the thoughts I had tonight, and much more is running through my head, but I just wanted to share some of my thoughts on this to encourage someone to just slow down and really see what God is trying to tell you. Sometimes He works through grand events, and huge plans, and sometimes He uses the small things in life to refocus our lives. It doesn't have to come from careers, but sippy cups. He doesn't always get your attention with mutual funds, sometimes He uses Matchbox cars...
-Trey
