This is the blog I've written a thousand times, and never published. It may turn out to be the most personal thing I have ever written. It is both off the cuff and engraved into to very soul of who I am. It is my heartcry.
Let me start out by saying that I am not who you think I am. Neither are you. I know what you may be thinking...and no, this is not a tell-all obituary-type confessional. I am not perfect, as nobody ever is, but like everyone else, I sure do know how to put up facades to mask my imperfections. Imperfections that mirror the very essence of what I am: a sinner. I tend to be strong-willed, very stubborn, and very cocky sometimes. I love being passionate. This has gotten me into more trouble than it has helped me, sorry to say. It may be trying to mimic people, it may be trying to exude the spirit of a leader, and so on... The truth is, most of the time I am a very insecure person. Most people are, I think. We all have our areas where we don't want anyone to shine a light on. We have those issues, those memories, those insecurities that haunt us daily, weekly, and some for our entire lives. My goal in writing all this is not to glorify myself, or to have pity on any issues, but to create a living, breathing medium to where people that read this can relate to. To possibly offer a bit of hope and encouragement to someone who may read this. This is not just for me, it's for you...
"I don't have a clue, but I know who does..."
Well, that pretty much sums up my life... I have a great education, a loving family, great college years, a solid christian upbringing, no arrest record, and a good job. I have a beautiful wife, a wonderful son, one boy on the way, reliable (sometimes) transportation, a great house, and seem to have things pretty much in order. But I don't. Truth is, I still go to bed scared to death of what tomorrow may bring. Prayer and scripture help to bring this back into focus, but if we are honest, and human, we all go through times like this. I have regrets... Regrets of wasting so many years only to find myself seemingly wandering through the same circumstances over and over again. I worry that some of my dreams, because of timing, life events, and just situations in general, may not ever come to fruition. I get scared of living day to day without ever seeming to move forward, or have anything on the horizon that I can call a victory or goal. I worry about failing as a husband and a father. My decisions now at this point in my life affect a lot more people than just me. All it takes is one stupid decision these days, one moment of weakness, and I, like every man, could fall. I pray everyday for God's protection and guidance in my decisions. I sometimes wonder if I will look back on this time of my life and regret anything, and wish I had done things different. I am positive everyone does, but to what extent? I know I'm not alone on these things. But I put up walls, a facade like I said earlier, to try to appear that I have it all together, but I don't. My faith, my trust, my hope is in my Savior, who calls me His child, and gives me the strength to daily combat these earthly foes when they arise.
"My faith waivers, but my God does not..."
Man I love twitter. 140 characters to display exactly what you want your followers to know about you, what you are doing, or what you think and/or believe about things. I admit, I am a bit of a social media addict, and I am guilty of using mediums such as facebook and twitter to get across huge ideas to make it sound like I have religion figured out. Truth is, I don't. Daily I wrestle with God. I wrestle with my faith, with what I believe, with how to handle situations. I will be the first to admit, that I have screwed up a lot in this arena. I have been over-zealous and under-loving in situations. I have also compromised in the name of love and sacrificed moral integrity. This will always be a struggle, and one I believe all of us will have until the grave. No amount of theological expository will satisfy you when you are all alone crying out to God, begging Him to draw close and reveal Himself to you. No amount of musical environment can replace the worship of the heart in tune with the true and living God. What I am saying is that spiritually, I know I'm a work in progress, but thankfully God loved me enough to adopt me as His own, and like a child, immature and needing discipline, I know there will be times I will struggle to reflect His glory as He sees fit. The Psalms are so comforting to me in this regard. The life and prayers of David, a man after God's heart, serve to show us that even those close to the heart of God cry out, week and wavering, begging God not to abandon their lives. I tend to be a pretty emotional guy, and truth be told, there are many times, mostly in the car, in traffic nonetheless, when all I can do is cry out, asking God where in the world He is. Needing Him to come rescue me. Begging Him to draw closer than a brother. My spirit is crushed everyday, but I rest in the hope that my God never lets me go.
"I feel inadequate, but my adequacy does not come from me..."
Wow this opens up some things in my heart and mind that strikes some nerves. Most of my life I have been fortunate to be at least respectable in all things I do, except gymnastics and cooking, which are not my spiritual gifts... I have always considered myself of of those "jack of all trades, master of none" type of guys. Good in sports, but not great. Good in school, but not scholarly. Good in music, but not professional. I can float through life being ok in whatever I am into. But there came a point recently in my life when I really did (and still do) some soul searching, looking for that one thing that God has called me to do. That passionate burning desire to accomplish something so great, or to set off on the journey that my life was intended to be on. I thought it may have been something with my career and job, maybe something within the church, maybe in my dealing with family. I still desire to find what God is calling me to do. I must admit though that in pursuit of my life's meaning, the inadequacies and shortcomings of my life, and possibly yours if you are honest, pop up. I think alot to my education and not finishing college, and how that time in my life may have impacted who I am today. I think about my weight, and my personal, never ending struggles with it, my appearance, and how I present and carry myself, and wonder how that affects opportunities I may have/not have gotten because of it. I think of my desire to be called into full time ministry, or work within the church/music/creative departments, and knowing that God has not called me there, yet/if ever, and how that desire burns inside of me. I think of all the times I have been someone I am not in order to feel wanted/needed/used, knowing that I was fake. It's not a good place to be. All these issues, if not given to the Lord, can eat a mans soul alive. But recently God has started me on a journey, one that begins with Him, and never ends. One that has it's origins not in my inadequacy, but the adequacy that comes from the gospel of Christ. He is showing me love, mercy, grace, forgiveness, compassion. He is more than enough for me...that is my heartcry
I love you all... -Trey
